Maybe it’s a breakdown. Maybe I’m finally breaking through.

I’m in the mood to cry. I get that way sometimes. On days like today, when I’m on week 2 of serious sleep deprivation (which is about 90 minutes less sleep than my normal night’s sleep deprivation) and I’m stressed about other things (usually kids and money) I crank up some songs to bring the tears. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t.

Tonight I’ve been listening to some old Corey Smith. He’s got a bunch of originals and a few covers that usually do it for me. Here’s what I’ve been listening to so far…
The Bottle
“Must these demons haunt me and lay their wicked burdens on me, lord wont you show me how to put the bottle down”

Collide
“I’ll forgive and forget, I’ll turn the other cheek. But I won’t lay in your bed, When it’s your turn to weep, When it’s your turn to cry yourself to sleep”

As Angels Cry
“And as they watch me fall, the angels cry…because they understand my pain and they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life…”

But, the song that brings me down more than any other is called “Overthinking” and it’s only been released as a demo. On youtube there’s only one fairly crappy recording that isn’t worth the time posting.
(I may have messed  up a couple of the lyrics, but I think I’m pretty close.)

Overthinking

I’m in  heap of trouble, stuck in the attic of my mind.
Digging through the mess, I can’t remember what I came up here to find.
I’m overthinkin’. I’m overthinking it again.
I can here you knocking. I hear you calling out my name.
Telling me it’s beautiful outside but I’m locked inside my house of pain.

I’m overthinking. I’m overthinking. I’m overthinking it again.

Always want to worry about my fingers ’til they bleed.
This long list of my failure is more reason than I need.
I need to look before I leap but I’ve been looking way to long.
I’m gonna miss my chance to fly….afraid of all that could go wrong.
Reach in my heart, but that’s the hardest part.

Maybe it’s a breakdown.
Maybe I’m finally breaking through.
Just need a little time to sort it out then I’ll come enjoy the world with you.
I’m overthinking. I’m overthinking. I’m overthinking it again
…in a heap of trouble…stuck in the attic of my mind…
Overthinking… Overthinking…
Turns out the junk I’ve been collecting should’ve been left behind.

(These lyrics describe me to a T. The first time I heard it I felt like I had been punched in the gut, my reaction was that strong.)

So, those are some of my go-to songs to bring the tears…and they’re not working. Not sure what to do now. I just hate this feeling. I’m just so damn exhausted and so damn stressed and it’s like I’m holding on to the edge of the cliff with the very tips of my fingers.

(Before anyone gets too “OMGIHOPEYOU’REOKAY” on me, please know this isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way and I seriously doubt it’ll be the last. My life is stressful and overwhelming most of the time. I do wonder if other single parents feel this way or if I just need to go on meds, lol. Either way, it’s a temporary gig. Once I get a good cry out I’ll be good to go.)